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My Wayward Boobs and their Toxic Relationship with Pasties

Before I debuted, pasties (or "titty twirlers," as I liked to call them) were my favorite part of burlesque costumes. Not totally because I was a perv; I just thought they made all boobs look like expensive jewelry. To me, well-made rhinestone pasties glittered like treasure atop the crests of fancy boob mountains.

When it came time for me to make my first pair of pasties, I excitedly messaged my Burly Oracle (aka the all-knowing Callie Pigeon). She pointed me to a few tutorials, gave me some quick tips, and released me into the wild. I made my first pair, grabbed some spirit gum, tacked those suckers to my boobs in excitement, and then...

... I just watched as they fell limply to the floor. This was the first red flag that my titties and pasties do NOT get along.

I thought, "There's gotta be something I'm doing wrong." I wrote a Facebook post looking for help. Another OG performer, Cherie Sweetbottom, told me she tends to pop pasties as well, and she gave me some great advice. In a nutshell:

1. Wipe my boobies down with alcohol.
2. Wipe the back of the pasties down with alcohol.
3. Apply layer of carpet tape to the back of the pasties.
4. Light that mf carpet tape ON FIYAH until it gets hot and sticky (but not so much that you burn holes in the tape).
5. When the tape cools down a little, place the sticky hot fiyah carpet tape directly onto my clean nipple.

Ouch, right? WRONG. I just got through breastfeeding a giant baby, so my nipples are INDESTRUCTIBLE.

The Sticky Hot Fiyah Carpet Tape method worked for a time. I thought Cherie had finally helped me crack the pastie tape code! I got weird looks backstage when I set my pasties on fire before applying them, but it was the only thing that actually worked.

Then, summer happened. It was like my titties and my pasties worked out a temporary agreement for winter and spring, but summer was a definite no-go.

My pasties have been popping like popcorn for the past 4 months. I mean, these suckers cannot wait for me to take off my bra so they can slip or pop off my body. I think I'm just a naturally dewy person and tape doesn't stick to me at all? I don't fucking know. All I know is that I need help.

Look at this shot by Brilynn Ferguson from this year's Toronto Burlesque Festival. I really, really enjoyed performing, but you know wtf happened? YOU ALREADY KNOW... my pasties popped off. I think it was a mixture of my dewiness and a snag, but this was weird to look down at while onstage. Lol... look at my face. I was talking to my titties like "Oh, y'all are really gonna do this RIGHT NOW?!" I kept it moving though.

Derpy fucking photos, indeed, although I clearly had lots of fun. This video will not be making its way to my YouTube or to any other festivals, unfortunately, all because of my wayward titties and their toxic relationship with pasties. I finished the routine and flashed the audience somethin' fierce, then ran backstage to sit and think about just where me and my boobies went wrong.

I don't ever want to hate pasties -- they are much too beautiful -- but for the love of burlesque, does anyone have any other tips on getting these bad boys to stick to dewy/sweaty skin? I have tried Pros-Aid medical/surgical adhesive, spirit gum, toupee tape, carpet tape, burning flames of hell, etc. What else can I do, hivemind?

Here's a look back at happier times between my boobs and pasties. Hopefully we can come to another agreement before next summer!

Your Sister in Pastie Tape,

Bebe Bardot

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